25 Things

Hello readers near and far!

I'm coming at you live from a beautiful, yet undisclosable location.  I am staying at a place that is nothing short of paradise in my opinion. For some reason there's nothing like staying somewhere else for a fresh dose of inspiration and for a chance to recalibrate priorities. This summer has been running as quickly as dry sand through open fingers. When my birthday rolls around, (August 9, hollaaa!!) that is my cue that this warm season isn't getting any longer and I ought to enjoy and savor it for all its worth.

Since my birthday was yesterday I thought it would be fun to think of 25 things I learned while I was 25.  My day was kind of quiet yesterday (just how this introvert likes it) which gave me ample time to reflect on the past year.

1. God answers the smallest, most small scaled prayers as well as the big prayers.  I've seen this happen so many times this past year.

2. Acne doesn't go away in the late teens.

3. Running remains the number one way to destress, get out complicated thoughts, sort through emotions, enjoy scenery and listen to new music all while getting a workout.

4.  You can't control how people will react to situations.  You can only control how you respond.

5. It is always best to completely listen to what someone is saying or asking, process it, and then speak.

6. Routine is great, but it should never hinder you from seeing what else world has to offer.

7. Spontaneous day trips are more than fun getaways.  By taking time for a quick trip away; you are essentially looking at the world through a different lens and will return to your life with a piece of your travels in your heart forever.

8. It is always worth it to drive two hours for hot doughnuts and one hour for fresh cookies just because.

9.  Friendships are amazing and a breath of fresh air.  Long time friends, new friends, church friends and work friends all have a special place in my heart.

10. Struggle loves isolation and breeds in the lie that one is all alone.  Finding someone who has dealt with the same issues brings light to the darkness, proves no one is alone and provides accountability and companionship.

11. There is no price tag for peace of mind.

12. Embrace the qualities that make you unlike anyone else.  At the end of the day it's how you were made.  The world needs your uniqueness.  It was created for a reason, and deserves to be celebrated.  Life is too short to dull your sparkle, just for the sake of fitting in.

13.  Before drawing to any rash, fast conclusions; it is always best to hear out the whole story and then react appropriately.

14.  People will let you down.  Friends, family, church people, health care workers, boyfriends, girlfriends, educators, employees and employers.  I will let people down.  People are humans thus fallible.  There is a fine balance of learning to trust, yet not putting all your faith in one person no matter how awesome they are. Only God is 100% faithful and deserving of our 100% trust.

15.  Ice cream can turn into the perfect meal anytime of day.  Pairing it with coffee is a magical combination.

16. Really when you least expect it, a really great guy will come around.

17.  Smiling, positivity and being on time will always go far.

18. It's good to have big, wild dreams as well as practical tasks to conquer daily.

19.  Education is forever and knowledge is power.  This fall I will be attending Eastern Mennonite University to pursue my Bachelors of Science in Nursing.

20. Stretching is so good for your body (especially as it ages.)

21. Having to let go or  making it known you need help is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength.

22. A hot shower with some good smelling soap has almost the same effect as a run in terms of feeling refreshed.

23. Having less clothes and "stuff" allow for clearer thinking a greater creativity with making outfits.

24. Instead of holding onto them, getting rid of clothes that once fit (or look cool, but don't fit well)  is very refreshing.  I used to like to hold onto items for nostalgia, my mom liked it,  or maybe by some off chance I'd be a size 0 again.  However, I think those day are far over and I'm happy with a more streamlined wardrobe.

25.  Accepting correction is a sign of maturity and willingness to grow.  Taking responsibility shows true womanhood/ manhood.  However don't let ANYONE undermine you or try to define your worth. This world is full of weak, insecure people who feel better by putting others down.  Do what you can to keep those people out of your life.  Keep your back straight and head high.  You're unique, special and here for a reason.

Well, thats a wrap.  And just like that I'm 26.  I have so much more to learn and look forward to continuing sharing thoughts through this medium.  If you have any questions, want to chat or hang out; hit me up!  I hope you are able to savor the sweetness and warmth the rest of the summer has to offer.

One of the highlights of being 25 was going to NYC multiple times.  Here's some of my favorite pics.

Running Around

And into the open I'll fly and I'll soar
To a place where Im free
Where no one keeps score

Why I love running
And what I learned in the process

Lately and for a long time I feel as though I've been a closet runner.  What I mean by that is it's not the first thing I like to talk about and I don't like to advertise how much I love it.  The reasoning behind this is because I don't have any outstanding talent in the sport.  I never placed in a state meet, I normally don't run races and I wouldn't consider myself as hardcore as other people.  Nonetheless, I love it and have been running for a steady ten years.

It all started with the seventh grade mile in gym class. Having never pegged myself as the athletic type I figured this would just be another humiliating feat to add onto my junior high insecurities.  When the whistle blew I was off and surprisingly found that I was staying with some of the people I thought would blow me in the dust.  When the race was over I felt an exhilaration and sense of freedom I never experienced.  I learned that running made me happy and I could accomplish something I didn't think was possible.

Around this time a few people talked to me about going out for track.  I really wanted to, but fear of failure was holding be back. I told them I wasn't ready.  I would go for runs by myself, but dreamed I had the courage to participate on a team.  Looking back, those were really precious times because I was teaching myself how to run longer distances and set a pace.

When I was fourteen I had some difficult personal issues going on in my life.  I ran to distract myself, sort out emotions and relinquish control I felt I had no sense of.  I learned that no matter what I went through in life I would have a physical, tangible activity I could do that would help me feel better.

I ran track all four years in high school, but really only peaked my junior and senior year.  I remember my freshman year I dreamed of being a sprinter, but found I was more suited for longer distances.  I wasn't thrilled at first and the training was brutal.  I got last place and even lapped by older girls in a lot of the races.  The glue that kept me stuck to running was an amazing coach and teammates.  No matter where I was on the track or in a race I could hear either Coach Duane or one of the distance girls yelling words of encouragement.  Through the years, my coach was always just as excited about a new personal best time no matter what level I was running at.  I learned in high school that running is a skill, a sport, and something almost sacred.  It requires time and attention to detail.  My time running in high school set such a solid foundation on inner strength and stamina that I would need later in life.

When I was seventeen I had another difficult event in my life. Sometimes I felt alone in a vast grey ocean by myself with only a life jacket keeping me barley above the roaring waves.  Other times I felt like an animal at the zoo.  Tons of people staring at me through glass and feeling somewhat on display.  While people's intentions were good, I hated the attention and feeling as though our problems were for all the world to see. Those were rough days of either feeling completely alone or in the center of some terrible attention I had no desire to be in.  Running was something that I turned to once again. I would run all the time.  When my feelings were swelling inside me I would run.  I would also run to forget temporarily and to transport myself to some alternative world where all I needed to worry about was the playlist on my iPod.  I would push myself to go harder and longer. I enjoyed the pain I felt physically because it made me forget the emotional pain.  I had something to turn to and lean on when it felt like I had nothing.  Eventually this led to some health issues.  Bradycardia, orthostatic hypotension, amenorrhea, weight loss and low potassium did not look good on me.  This was when running taught me balance at the time in my life the word "balance" was the stupidest word, ever. I was medically forced to take time off.  As devastating as this was, I was able to realize just how much I loved the sport.  I did everything to get better as fast as I could. I took six weeks off a crucial time in training, but still came back to run some decent times.  This time in life taught me to dig deep, rely on God and take better care of myself.

After high school I went to Australia to do Youth With A Mission.  Most mornings I would run before class to the Pacific Ocean.  I have some of the greatest memories of the sweet Australian sunshine on my back as I would meander through the city of Surfers Paradise.  I would sit by the beach for a while and just absorb everything I was learning in classes and in life.  The ocean breeze and soft sand always kept me there longer then I intended.  These morning runs gave me stability and normalcy as I was a nineteen year old small town girl living in a different country.  I learned that no matter where I go or how much my life changes, running will keep me grounded.

Into my early adulthood I've still consistently run.  Some seasons I've run more and some less. When late nights of studying would leave me brain fried I would go for a quick shake-out.  I would return more rejuvenated and able to retain more.  If I was overwhelmed by the insurmountable amount of reading ahead of me I would run to procrastinate, but somehow it made my tasks seem more manageable.   If I run before work I find I'm less stressed and think clearer. Little things won't get to me as much.  Now my life is stable and so is my running.  My training regime is boring, but I absolutely love it.  I feel so lucky to be able to do what I do. As I venture in adulthood I'm learning that life is a process.  There are ups and downs just like training. There are exciting times, times of stagnancy and times of challenge.  Through all times I learned that the best way to get through and process anything is to just put one foot in front of the other.

So here I am, no longer a closet runner.  I encourage everyone out there to do what makes them feel alive and to give that life to others.  

My little place in the big world

I firmly believe everyone should have a place to escape from the stress of life.  A place to pray, to think, to dream and to consider possibilities beyond boundaries that society places.  This place shouldn't be fancy or expensive to get to, but rather easily accessible.

My place has always been along the river.  Anyone who would happen to remotely glance at my social media accounts would see I love taking pictures along the Susquehanna River.  For me it's more then a cool place to take pictures and post to Facebook once in a while.  Since I grew up about 1,000 feet from the river it has always been a place I loved to go.   Now I live a twenty five minute drive away, but I still find myself going there just as often as when I lived at home.

Today as I was running the trail I did many times before I thought of all the experiences I had throughout my life along the three mile stretch.  It was where I learned how to pick out rocks that looked like certain shapes to paint with my Grandma.  It was where I had my first date, my first kiss, my first real star gaze, my first picnic and many other momumental occasions in my life.  When I had my first heart brake I went to a secluded part of river and cried for hours.  When I had my first patient death I stayed strong at work, but when I clocked out I drove straight to the river.  With my knees tucked to chest I cried for the loss and contemplated my strength as a caregiver.  After almost  every test in nursing school I would reduce the anxiety of not knowing my score yet by either running along the trail or just staring up at the sky praying I passed.

It's hard to think of a time where there was an important decision or pressing situation and I didn't go to river.  It's the place in the world I feel closest to God.  It's the place where I'm free. God has answered prayers and worked in my life that I know have been a result of the prayers I prayed along the river.  Some of them are concrete and I would love to share them, and others are just between Him and I.

The river has shared in my greatest victories and defeats.  It sees me almost everyday through all seasons.  I know the best places for a spring picnic.  I will drop everything to go for a run in the summer.  When Autumn comes I'll watch the leaves on the trees change colors on the hills across the river.  During winter I love when the water turns an icy blue and the snow rests on the bare trees.

If you're my friend you may have walked the river with me.  And if you did, thank you.  By walking with me you're speaking my love language and joining me in my biggest pastime.

If you have a place you go that means something to you, share it!  I love to learn about places that hold significance to others.  If you don't have one yet I encourage you to find one.  It could be as small as a bedroom or as large as a soccer field.  As long as you can get there often and enjoy it.

The light is always on in the break room

So long time no post. Seriously, I don't mean to start with some sort of apology for not keeping up with this like I intended to because the only one who set up some sort of expectation about how often this blog would be updated was myself. I didn't want to start blogging because something new, crazy or exciting was happening in my life; but rather because writing brings me freedom. It's easy for me to settle into a rhythm of life that does not leave enough time for doing things like writing. Mainly because it requires outside thought, time and some sort of structure. So here I sit (or rather lie snuggled up with my laptop in bed) on this warm winter morning. Life is good, I am good and I look forward to sharing with you.


When I woke up this morning I looked at my messy room, glanced at my phone and was disappointed for waking up too early. I went downstairs and and realized I forgot something at the store yesterday. As I ate I thought about what I would wear to church. In my head I could hear my mom telling me I need new clothes because I've been wearing the same outfits since high school. She wants me to buy new clothes, but lately I just haven't had the interest. Then I start to feel bad for not having an interest in fashion like her, and maybe if I cared more my life in some strange way would be better. I look at the coffee maker, see the level is empty and wished remembered to fill it up last night. I look at my texts and realize I didn't text someone back. In the first thirty minutes Ive been up I've had at least twenty negative thoughts pertaining to my actions, appearance and lifestyle.


Nothing bad or uncommon happened this morning. I'm not writing this because I woke up unusually depressed or pessimistic about myself. In fact had I not taken the time to write, this morning would have gone down in the books as just another typical morning. What really surprises me is how many critical thoughts cross my mind relating to me as a person or my actions. When I slowed down this morning and gave this some thought I was sad because I hadn't even given myself the grace to be up for a whole hour to live a day free from negative thoughts.


Considering what others may view of a person sometimes has little correlation with how that person actually views themselves. A person could have best best spouse, job, grades, looks, friends, car or house and still be unable to look past their own deficits and shortcomings. We can only see the tip of the iceberg in others. Therefore it may surprise us that those who we think have the character of Mother Teresa or have the cleanest house may be struggling with the same feelings of self negativity, inadequacies or insecurity.


I could always do more, I could always be better. I could always do more, I could always be better.


This is the little voice in my head that allows for self deprecation to flow so easily. It's not even like I feel this is a bad thing and by some people's standards may even be considered a good way to live. I mean, how is progress ever made without the mental push of the individual to get things done. However when I look at all the qualities I lack, all the qualities I want and what I need to do to get there ; it is often seems daunting and overreaching. So instead of taking steps in the right direction to get there I find staying in a place of complacency and stagation is easier. Being hard on myself breeds nothing productive, but rather the opposite. Instead of moving onward, I'll stay stuck in the same place with some negative self esteem to go alongside it.


If I knew last night I would be writing on this topic I would have been surprised, (but also overjoyed because I was really getting down on myself for not blogging for a while…See how easy it starts…) I wouldn't say I have some terrible self esteem issue that warrants any particular attention. A while a ago that was not the case, but I think I've come a long way. However when I look at my thought patterns a little more closely I realize the journey is far from over.


I think a lot more people around us are in the same boat, but it's easy to feel like we are the only ones. Beautiful Sue has the best fiancé, her amazing parents are funding her lavish wedding, she's great at her job, runs a non-profit, cans produce from her own garden and everyone loves her. What would she have have in common with me when it comes to self negativity? I mean what does she even have to be negative about? The funny thing is there no line of accomplishment that one can reach to be free from this struggle. Even if we fed a whole third world country or kept our home pristine for a year we would still find something we're not doing right. We will never be enough and no level of accomplishment will suffice for negating all feelings of our inadequacies.


What do we do? Where do we start? If I can't ever be enough, what's the point of trying? I think the first step is realizing that we can't fix this on our own. Running a marathon, saving money and crossing things off the never ending to-do list may temporarily help. But the next day there will be more goals to achieve and more opportunities to mess up. We know we are fallible, so it's bound to happen. I know when I acknowledge this and set my heart on Christ these feelings subside. Here are some verses that help me refocus when I feel like I don't measure up.


"To the praise and the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved." Eph 1:6


"Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good working in you will complete it until the day of Jesus." Phil 1:6


"There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Rom 8:1


When we seek Christ and discover his acceptance for us is when we will fully be able to accept ourselves. Despite his perfection and our sins he loves us, embraces us and desires relationship. If he who created the world and was perfect accepts us as children, I think we can stop being so hard on ourselves. Everyone is on their own journey with this and it's not our job to compare ours with anyone else's. When I'm feeling inadequate or like I'm not not accomplishing what I need to my first instinct is not to run to God. This is because I see the Lord as perfect and myself as not, so therefore he will judge me just like I do to myself. It works exactly the opposite. Classic Sunday School answer will confirm this, however when it's experienced in real life it goes from head knowledge to heart knowledge. What a peaceful feeling it is to know we not only accepted the way we are, but loved and embraced.


In daily life when my the mantra in my head will fire about me not being good enough, not doing enough and overall life negativities; I'll think about my break room at work. Hospitals never close, and the same kind of show is always running. When I clock out of work and go to the break room to get my coat the work flow doesn't stop, and when I get to work 12 hours later the show doesn't start because I just there. No, the workflow has been continuing the whole time. People are working hard, and the light in the break room never turns off. At my workplace and so many workplaces the job is never done, no matter how many hours one works. In life, there will always be another task to complete, some bill to pay or something we want to procrastinate on. Even if I spend more time medicating on God's word and getting better with negative thoughts there will still be some sort of outstanding task I need to do. I think acknowledging this is important. I look forward to learning how to balance my life in a way that I can get things done while at the same time giving myself grace to know when I need a break. We need to find times to rest and reflect and just be sometimes. This is necessary for a more centered life.


I hope you have a great week and remember:

At least I'll always know

When my toes grow numb from walking home in the rain on dark, cold nights…
At least I'll always know I'm not far from a warm house.

For the times when my thoughts run wild and creativity is flooding my mind…
At least I'll always know I have many avenues to express myself.

The times I feel like I can never obtain perfection at my job…
At least I'll always know I have something better to strive for.

For all the work scenarios I take home with me in my thoughts…
At least I'll always know I'm doing something I'm passionate about.

The times my sides have hurt from laughing too hard…
At least I'll always know it's easy for me to find humor in any situation.

When I think about all the unanswered questions I've had in my life...
At least I'll always know that the more mysteries I pursue, the more I find out just how little I know.

When I miss my friends who moved far away…
At least I'll always know I know the coolest people who live life fearlessly, and for that I am constantly inspired.

For the many times I lament about the clothes on my floor…
At least I'll always know I have options of clothing to wear and two hands to pick them up.

When the winter cold sets in and I start to get sad…
At least I'll always know I know how good the warm sun feels.

On the days my body hurts, but I want to run anyway…
At least I'll always know I'll never love my love for running.

When my face turns red from reading past journal entries…
At least I'll always know that I'm constantly progressing.

When song lyrics play in my mind at all times during the day…
At least I'll always know I'll never lose my love for music.

Those times that I need to get out and escape the momentary complications of daily life…
At least I'll always know the river will always be there and flowing in the same direction.

The times I've been insecure about feeling "different"…
At least I'll always know that I'm not like anyone else.

For those nights when the clatter of wind wakes me up from running across my window panes…
At least I'll always know I have a shelter to protect me.

When I hear the sound of the door open or smell something sweet baking in the kitchen…
At least I'll always know I have the dearest housemates.

For all the places I wish to travel and sites I day dream of seeing…
At least I'll always know I'll never lose my love for adventure.

And those days I wonder If I'll ever find love…
At least I'll always know I'm capable of loving.

The times I've stood back and seen how the Lord has guided my life…
At least I'll always know that I have a savior who knows me personally.

Pieces

I spent this past week in the hometown I grew up in.  I was housesitting for some friends while they were on vacation. Marietta, PA. There is no place like it, and that's what makes it so wonderful.  I love getting the chance to slow down, take care of dogs and spend more time with my family.

Friday evening I took a run across town like I have so many times in my life.  In Marietta the nights are darker, but somehow I feel more safe, more secure and more free to be myself.  Under the dimly lit street lights I ran down my town's main street admiring resident's newly set-up Christmas decorations.  For over two miles down the main part of town I only saw three cars and one pedestrian.  

As I make my way further down east I pass my the home of my Grandparents.  I see the glow of the television and light of family room on.  I can picture my grandparents watching either Jeopardy or NBC news.  I smile at the predicability and steadiness of their schedules, and how at any given time I can probably guess what they are doing even if it's been a few weeks since I've seen them.  As I run I continue to think how blessed I was to have grandparents that lived so close to me my whole life.  I have always known I was never far from a hug, a visit, a hot cup of coffee, a piece of pie or even an adventure.  My mind flooded with memories from my childhood at their house playing creative games with my cousins, making paper dolls with grandma and watching Disney movies after school.  I think back to the visit I had with them two days before and how good it was to see them, catch up and reconnect.  Coming off the heels of Thanksgiving I am reminded of just how special these memories and times of reconnection are.  The cool of evening sets in through my layers and into my skin as I run back to the place I am staying.  

Life changes fast in sixteen hours.  Life can change fast in an instant, a blink of an eye or a flash of fire. 

Around noon on Saturday I watched in shock and disbeleif as my grandparents home was lit up in flames. The urgent look on the faces of the brave first responders told the truth that this was a big deal. Relief poured over me when I realized they were both safe and sound. Fire companies from numerous departments came to offer assistance.  Community members from all over showed up to see what was happening.  I found my family in the midst of the crowd and we just held each other for while not quite knowing what to say.  My mind was a haze and head was just spinning.  I thought back to the run I had in the exact location the evening before where everything was peaceful, predictable and secure.  Now the circumstances were extremely different and life was changing before our very eyes.  I never watched a fire like I  did yesterday.  Just when I thought the smoke would clear and it would be over, more flames would set in.  I watched the valiant effort of brave men and woman using strength and knowledge to combat the flames and smoke.  I saw windows brake and people climbing on roofs to get to the root of the problem.  Even at a distance and standing on the sidelines the smell of smoke was so powerful that I couldn't imagine what the firefighters were going through.

Sometimes food is the answer to everything.  After a few hours of watching the horror of the fire, the scene was settling.  The investigation is still going on, but the fire was out and they were about to board  up the house. Dominos heard about the situation and donated many pizzas to our family. My cousin lives a block away from my grandparents, so we were able to come together and share a meal of pizza and ham pot pie. 

My grandparents spent the night in her guest room.  I asked my cousin if I could get the room ready for them.  She said sure, thanked me, and gave me a tight hug.  What she didn't know is I was just as, if not, more thankful.  Many aspects of the day went wrong and the fix was beyond anyone's control.  It is such a helpless feeling to see something tragic happen before your eyes to someone you love.  I wanted so bad to stop the fire, hit rewind and have the whole thing never happen.  I wanted to sit in my Grandma's kitchen like I did two days ago, talk about drawing and have everything be normal.  Instead I had a mattress as my canvas, a fitted sheet and some blankets.  For the next twenty minutes I made the bed in the best way I knew how.  I thought about my old school nursing teacher dropping a quarter on the sheet and watching it bounce.  I folded the sheets at the top, backed up reassessed it, and then did it again.  My wanting the room to be perfect was my small way of wanting everything to be okay.  It gave me a tiny grasp of control and way to help them spend their first night away from home a little better.  

Tonight I ran across town again just like I did two nights ago.  The cold night air was just as refreshing and now tonight Christmas lights on garland illuminated the main section of Market st.  Peace and exhilaration came over me as I passed the twinkling lights, beautiful garland and the pattern of lantern, star, lantern, star.  As I got closer to the home of my grandparents the smell set in first.  Like a bad memory the smell of old smoke lingered from at least a block away.  And just like elevated troponins after a heart attack, the bad smell was a reminder that something horrible happened.  I watched from a distance as a minivan slowed down to see the house and then drove away into the night.  

I ran to the house and my heart kind of stopped (if that's even possible to still be alive.)  I thought of all the memories I made of a lifetime of going to Grandma and Pop's.  Summers on the porch swing, sleepovers, hot chocolate and cinnamon toast, exploring the attic and admiring my Grandma's artwork.  I stood there alone, looked at the house and almost felt betrayed by something inanimate.  "How could you burn on fire?!" I wanted to yell.  

As I ran back I continued to think and reminisce.  It occurred to me that all of the memories had nothing to due with the house, but my grandparents that lived there.  They lived and dwelled there and were the one's responsible for creating all the amazing memories I grew up with.  They raised my dad and his two brothers, worked hard and lived a good life in the strong two story brick house.  They have stories to tell and more lessons I can learn about being a hard worker and good person.  Shelter is good, and necessary for survival, but what is more important are the people that live inside.  They are okay and for that I am most thankful.  The road ahead is long.  I can't really fathom it now.  I desire for this experience to bring us closer together. I hope and expect that good will come out of this situation that we can't even imagine at the moment.

Thank you to all the firefighters, police officers, Red Cross volunteers and community members for your diligence, care and support during this time.

Pieces

I spent this past week in the hometown I grew up in.  I was housesitting for some friends while they were on vacation. Marietta, PA. There is no place like it, and that's what makes it so wonderful.  I love getting the chance to slow down, take care of dogs and spend more time with my family.

Friday evening I took a run across town like I have so many times in my life.  In Marietta the nights are darker, but somehow I feel more safe, more secure and more free to be myself.  Under the dimly lit street lights I ran down my town's main street admiring resident's newly set-up Christmas decorations.  For over two miles down the main part of town I only saw three cars and one pedestrian.  

As I make my way further down east I pass my the home of my Grandparents.  I see the glow of the television and light of the family room on.  I can picture my grandparents watching either Jeopardy or NBC news.  I smile at the predicability and steadiness of their schedules, and how at any given time I can probably guess what they are doing even if it's been a few weeks since I've seen them.  As I run I continue to think how blessed I was to have grandparents that lived so close to me my whole life.  I have always known I was never far from a hug, a visit, a hot cup of coffee, a piece of pie or even an adventure.  My mind flooded with memories from my childhood at their house playing creative games with my cousins, making paper dolls with grandma and watching Disney movies after school.  I think back to the visit I had with them two days before and how good it was to see them, catch up and reconnect.  Coming off the heels of Thanksgiving I am reminded of just how special these memories and times of reconnection are.  The cool of evening sets in through my layers and into my skin as I run back to the place I am staying.  

Life changes fast in sixteen hours.  Life can change fast in an instant, a blink of an eye or a flash of fire. 

Around noon on Saturday I watched in shock and disbeleif as my grandparents home was lit up in flames. The urgent look on the faces of the brave first responders told the truth that this was a big deal. Relief poured over me when I realized they were both safe and sound. Fire companies from numerous departments came to offer assistance.  Community members from all over showed up to see what was happening.  I found my family in the midst of the crowd and we just held each other for while not quite knowing what to say.  My mind was a haze and head was just spinning.  I thought back to the run I had in the exact location the evening before where everything was peaceful, predictable and secure.  Now the circumstances were extremely different and life was changing before our very eyes.  I never watched a fire like I  did yesterday.  Just when I thought the smoke would clear and it would be over, more flames would set in.  I watched the valiant effort of brave men and woman using strength and knowledge to combat the flames and smoke.  I saw windows brake and people climbing on roofs to get to the root of the problem.  Even at a distance and standing on the sidelines the smell of smoke was so powerful that I couldn't imagine what the firefighters were going through.

Sometimes food is the answer to everything.  After a few hours of watching the horror of the fire, the scene was settling.  The investigation is still going on, but the fire was out and they were about to board  up the house. Dominos heard about the situation and donated many pizzas to our family. My cousin lives a block away from my grandparents, so we were able to come together and share a meal of pizza and ham pot pie. 

My grandparents spent the night in her guest room.  I asked my cousin if I could get the room ready for them.  She said sure, thanked me, and gave me a tight hug.  What she didn't know is I was just as, if not, more thankful.  Many aspects of the day went wrong and the fix was beyond anyone's control.  It is such a helpless feeling to see something tragic happen before your eyes to someone you love.  I wanted so bad to stop the fire, hit rewind and have the whole thing never happen.  I wanted to sit in my Grandma's kitchen like I did two days ago, talk about drawing and have everything be normal.  Instead I had a mattress as my canvas, a fitted sheet and some blankets.  For the next twenty minutes I made the bed in the best way I knew how.  I thought about my old school nursing teacher dropping a quarter on the sheet and watching it bounce.  I folded the sheets at the top, backed up reassessed it, and then did it again.  My wanting the room to be perfect was my small way of wanting everything to be okay.  It gave me a tiny grasp of control and way to help them spend their first night away from home a little better.  

Tonight I ran across town again just like I did two nights ago.  The cold night air was just as refreshing and now tonight Christmas lights on garland illuminated the main section of Market st.  Peace and exhilaration came over me as I passed the twinkling lights, beautiful garland and the pattern of lantern, star, lantern, star.  As I got closer to the home of my grandparents the smell set in first.  Like a bad memory the smell of old smoke lingered from at least a block away.  And just like elevated troponins after a heart attack, the bad smell was a reminder that something horrible happened.  I watched from a distance as a minivan slowed down to see the house and then drove away into the night.  

I ran to the house and my heart kind of stopped (if that's even possible to still be alive.)  I thought of all the memories I made of a lifetime of going to Grandma and Pop's.  Summers on the porch swing, sleepovers, hot chocolate and cinnamon toast, exploring the attic and admiring my Grandma's artwork.  I stood there alone, looked at the house and almost felt betrayed by something inanimate.  "How could you burn on fire?!" I wanted to yell.  

As I ran back I continued to think and reminisce.  It occurred to me that all of the memories had nothing to due with the house, but my grandparents that lived there.  They lived and dwelled there and were the one's responsible for creating all the amazing memories I grew up with.  They raised my dad and his two brothers, worked hard and lived a good life in the strong two story brick house.  They have stories to tell and more lessons I can learn about being a hard worker and good person.  Shelter is good, and necessary for survival, but what is more important are the people that live inside.  They are okay and for that I am most thankful.  The road ahead is long.  I can't really fathom it now.  I desire for this experience to bring us closer together. I hope and expect that good will come out of this situation that we can't even imagine at the moment.

Thank you to all the firefighters, police officers, Red Cross volunteers and community members for your diligence, care and support during this time.