That Time I Deleted Tinder

217 matches, 103 messages, 16 unfamiliar FB requests and 2 meaningful conversations later and I decided to delete my Tinder account.  It has been a couple weeks since I stopped swiping right and making virtual small talk with strangers, which I learned I'm pretty bad at.

I do not claim to offer any profound wisdom by writing this post, but rather offer my personal experience.

Like I mentioned in a previous blog post I joined Tinder about two months ago in an attempt to fill the gap in my non existent dating life.  It was fun, don't get me wrong.  I went on three dates with a great guy.  He had the faith, the looks, the job etc, etc.. It still just didn't seem right.  Maybe it was because we were both pretty introverted and slightly embarrassed we tried online dating.  Maybe we ran out of stuff to talk about. Or maybe we both just got busy with our own lives and realized the work it would take to invite someone else in.  Either way, it ended and I can't say I feel happy or sad about it.  Just neutral.

After it was concluded this guy and I weren't going to date anymore I hopped back on the Tinder train. It was only about a week and a half.  At first it was great, and if anything more of a self esteem boost.  I was on vacation with my family so I had lots of extra free time to be on the app and look around.  My family knew what I was doing and gave me huge eye rolls every time my phone would ding when a new match would come through.

It started to get weird when I kept getting these Facebook requests from men I didn't know.  At first I thought it was pure coincidence, but then I realized these were all Tinder guys.  I wasn't extremely creeped out, but creeped out enough to delete the app pronto and ignore the "friend" requests (Especially the guy with a Confederate flag as his profile pic and a cover photo stating "Viva La Trump").

I was talking to a seemingly nice guy in medical school specializing in radiology. .. (or was he really?)  I told him the reason I was deleting the app and gave him my number.  He asked me on a date, so I thought we could keep talking via text since we both established we weren't weirdos.  He was the only one I was talking to, so I was a little bummed when I never heard from him.  (dreams of being a doctor's wife also crushed. *sarcasm alert*)  Anyway, it's probably for the best.  Judging by the three pictures of him and our four days of small talk; I'm probably taller then him and he doesn't drink coffee, making any potential all the slimmer.

Being 2.5 weeks Tinder-free has been great. The app definitely wasn't a huge anchor in my life, but I thought it would harder to let go of it then it has been.  I've been a lot more content in my singleness then I have been in months.  I have so much peace in my heart and it's amazing.  It may be the fresh June air, the invigoration of endless time in the sweet sunshine or the feeling of going to a job that I love that makes me feel so happy right now.  Everyday has challenges, but also moments where I stop and feel so thankful to be here in whatever moment I may be in.

I think finding love has always been a deep seeded fear for me.  At the risk of being vulnerable, sometimes I feel like for me it's extremely far reaching if not impossible.  It's not that I feel insecure with myself or that I feel like I'm unloveable.  It's just that I've seen so much if not too much.  My whole life until five years ago I saw marriage as a necessary evil to reproduce or something overly optimistic people did who knew something about love that I didn't.  Five years ago when I was in Australia I learned and experienced God's love for me like I never had and I have not been the same since.  It was in a small canteen on the Eastern part of Queensland that the definition of love changed because I felt God's love for me in a tangible way.  Ever since then my cynicism has been dying down and I've started to embrace that if I'm worthy enough for our Savior to love me, then maybe I can here on earth too.

Finding love is lot like ice cream.  If I want ice cream I can have it in five seconds.  All I need to do is run to the freezer or Turkey Hill and I can get the craving satisfied.  I could also gather milk, cream, sugar, rock salt and an ice cream maker and make it from scratch.  This would take a lot longer and a definitely more preparation and intention.  However, the ending result would taste so much better because fresh, homemade ice cream is way better then anything you can buy at the store.

I learned that finding love is like ice cream because if I want to go on a date, I can.  I doesn't take much work and I could go on one tonight if I wanted to (this would require me to download Tinder again, which I don't plan on).  It would probably be fun.  I might get a free meal and laugh away any stress the day brought.  I also could be using this time of singleness to prepare my heart and life for the real person God has for me.  This requires work, time and doesn't seem like as much fun as the first option.  However when that time comes I'll be ready with a whole heart because of the time I spent in the Word, in meaningful relationships with friends, family and just getting to know myself.  And just like homemade ice cream,  the quality of love will be all the richer.

This isn't to say I don't believe in going out on dates, having fun and meeting people for the first time. However, if we serial date as a way to cope with the loneliness being single brings, we will never fully know ourselves and when love finally does come.  And although doing the right actions to prepare for it take time, intention and preparation; the ending result will be so much more rewarding.

So please enjoy the whether. Take time with the Lord and yourself, because you're pretty awesome.  And by all means, eat ice cream!