So long time no post. Seriously, I don't mean to start with some sort of apology for not keeping up with this like I intended to because the only one who set up some sort of expectation about how often this blog would be updated was myself. I didn't want to start blogging because something new, crazy or exciting was happening in my life; but rather because writing brings me freedom. It's easy for me to settle into a rhythm of life that does not leave enough time for doing things like writing. Mainly because it requires outside thought, time and some sort of structure. So here I sit (or rather lie snuggled up with my laptop in bed) on this warm winter morning. Life is good, I am good and I look forward to sharing with you.
When I woke up this morning I looked at my messy room, glanced at my phone and was disappointed for waking up too early. I went downstairs and and realized I forgot something at the store yesterday. As I ate I thought about what I would wear to church. In my head I could hear my mom telling me I need new clothes because I've been wearing the same outfits since high school. She wants me to buy new clothes, but lately I just haven't had the interest. Then I start to feel bad for not having an interest in fashion like her, and maybe if I cared more my life in some strange way would be better. I look at the coffee maker, see the level is empty and wished remembered to fill it up last night. I look at my texts and realize I didn't text someone back. In the first thirty minutes Ive been up I've had at least twenty negative thoughts pertaining to my actions, appearance and lifestyle.
Nothing bad or uncommon happened this morning. I'm not writing this because I woke up unusually depressed or pessimistic about myself. In fact had I not taken the time to write, this morning would have gone down in the books as just another typical morning. What really surprises me is how many critical thoughts cross my mind relating to me as a person or my actions. When I slowed down this morning and gave this some thought I was sad because I hadn't even given myself the grace to be up for a whole hour to live a day free from negative thoughts.
Considering what others may view of a person sometimes has little correlation with how that person actually views themselves. A person could have best best spouse, job, grades, looks, friends, car or house and still be unable to look past their own deficits and shortcomings. We can only see the tip of the iceberg in others. Therefore it may surprise us that those who we think have the character of Mother Teresa or have the cleanest house may be struggling with the same feelings of self negativity, inadequacies or insecurity.
I could always do more, I could always be better. I could always do more, I could always be better.
This is the little voice in my head that allows for self deprecation to flow so easily. It's not even like I feel this is a bad thing and by some people's standards may even be considered a good way to live. I mean, how is progress ever made without the mental push of the individual to get things done. However when I look at all the qualities I lack, all the qualities I want and what I need to do to get there ; it is often seems daunting and overreaching. So instead of taking steps in the right direction to get there I find staying in a place of complacency and stagation is easier. Being hard on myself breeds nothing productive, but rather the opposite. Instead of moving onward, I'll stay stuck in the same place with some negative self esteem to go alongside it.
If I knew last night I would be writing on this topic I would have been surprised, (but also overjoyed because I was really getting down on myself for not blogging for a while…See how easy it starts…) I wouldn't say I have some terrible self esteem issue that warrants any particular attention. A while a ago that was not the case, but I think I've come a long way. However when I look at my thought patterns a little more closely I realize the journey is far from over.
I think a lot more people around us are in the same boat, but it's easy to feel like we are the only ones. Beautiful Sue has the best fiancé, her amazing parents are funding her lavish wedding, she's great at her job, runs a non-profit, cans produce from her own garden and everyone loves her. What would she have have in common with me when it comes to self negativity? I mean what does she even have to be negative about? The funny thing is there no line of accomplishment that one can reach to be free from this struggle. Even if we fed a whole third world country or kept our home pristine for a year we would still find something we're not doing right. We will never be enough and no level of accomplishment will suffice for negating all feelings of our inadequacies.
What do we do? Where do we start? If I can't ever be enough, what's the point of trying? I think the first step is realizing that we can't fix this on our own. Running a marathon, saving money and crossing things off the never ending to-do list may temporarily help. But the next day there will be more goals to achieve and more opportunities to mess up. We know we are fallible, so it's bound to happen. I know when I acknowledge this and set my heart on Christ these feelings subside. Here are some verses that help me refocus when I feel like I don't measure up.
"To the praise and the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved." Eph 1:6
"Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good working in you will complete it until the day of Jesus." Phil 1:6
"There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Rom 8:1
When we seek Christ and discover his acceptance for us is when we will fully be able to accept ourselves. Despite his perfection and our sins he loves us, embraces us and desires relationship. If he who created the world and was perfect accepts us as children, I think we can stop being so hard on ourselves. Everyone is on their own journey with this and it's not our job to compare ours with anyone else's. When I'm feeling inadequate or like I'm not not accomplishing what I need to my first instinct is not to run to God. This is because I see the Lord as perfect and myself as not, so therefore he will judge me just like I do to myself. It works exactly the opposite. Classic Sunday School answer will confirm this, however when it's experienced in real life it goes from head knowledge to heart knowledge. What a peaceful feeling it is to know we not only accepted the way we are, but loved and embraced.
In daily life when my the mantra in my head will fire about me not being good enough, not doing enough and overall life negativities; I'll think about my break room at work. Hospitals never close, and the same kind of show is always running. When I clock out of work and go to the break room to get my coat the work flow doesn't stop, and when I get to work 12 hours later the show doesn't start because I just there. No, the workflow has been continuing the whole time. People are working hard, and the light in the break room never turns off. At my workplace and so many workplaces the job is never done, no matter how many hours one works. In life, there will always be another task to complete, some bill to pay or something we want to procrastinate on. Even if I spend more time medicating on God's word and getting better with negative thoughts there will still be some sort of outstanding task I need to do. I think acknowledging this is important. I look forward to learning how to balance my life in a way that I can get things done while at the same time giving myself grace to know when I need a break. We need to find times to rest and reflect and just be sometimes. This is necessary for a more centered life.
I hope you have a great week and remember:
