That Time I Deleted Tinder

217 matches, 103 messages, 16 unfamiliar FB requests and 2 meaningful conversations later and I decided to delete my Tinder account.  It has been a couple weeks since I stopped swiping right and making virtual small talk with strangers, which I learned I'm pretty bad at.

I do not claim to offer any profound wisdom by writing this post, but rather offer my personal experience.

Like I mentioned in a previous blog post I joined Tinder about two months ago in an attempt to fill the gap in my non existent dating life.  It was fun, don't get me wrong.  I went on three dates with a great guy.  He had the faith, the looks, the job etc, etc.. It still just didn't seem right.  Maybe it was because we were both pretty introverted and slightly embarrassed we tried online dating.  Maybe we ran out of stuff to talk about. Or maybe we both just got busy with our own lives and realized the work it would take to invite someone else in.  Either way, it ended and I can't say I feel happy or sad about it.  Just neutral.

After it was concluded this guy and I weren't going to date anymore I hopped back on the Tinder train. It was only about a week and a half.  At first it was great, and if anything more of a self esteem boost.  I was on vacation with my family so I had lots of extra free time to be on the app and look around.  My family knew what I was doing and gave me huge eye rolls every time my phone would ding when a new match would come through.

It started to get weird when I kept getting these Facebook requests from men I didn't know.  At first I thought it was pure coincidence, but then I realized these were all Tinder guys.  I wasn't extremely creeped out, but creeped out enough to delete the app pronto and ignore the "friend" requests (Especially the guy with a Confederate flag as his profile pic and a cover photo stating "Viva La Trump").

I was talking to a seemingly nice guy in medical school specializing in radiology. .. (or was he really?)  I told him the reason I was deleting the app and gave him my number.  He asked me on a date, so I thought we could keep talking via text since we both established we weren't weirdos.  He was the only one I was talking to, so I was a little bummed when I never heard from him.  (dreams of being a doctor's wife also crushed. *sarcasm alert*)  Anyway, it's probably for the best.  Judging by the three pictures of him and our four days of small talk; I'm probably taller then him and he doesn't drink coffee, making any potential all the slimmer.

Being 2.5 weeks Tinder-free has been great. The app definitely wasn't a huge anchor in my life, but I thought it would harder to let go of it then it has been.  I've been a lot more content in my singleness then I have been in months.  I have so much peace in my heart and it's amazing.  It may be the fresh June air, the invigoration of endless time in the sweet sunshine or the feeling of going to a job that I love that makes me feel so happy right now.  Everyday has challenges, but also moments where I stop and feel so thankful to be here in whatever moment I may be in.

I think finding love has always been a deep seeded fear for me.  At the risk of being vulnerable, sometimes I feel like for me it's extremely far reaching if not impossible.  It's not that I feel insecure with myself or that I feel like I'm unloveable.  It's just that I've seen so much if not too much.  My whole life until five years ago I saw marriage as a necessary evil to reproduce or something overly optimistic people did who knew something about love that I didn't.  Five years ago when I was in Australia I learned and experienced God's love for me like I never had and I have not been the same since.  It was in a small canteen on the Eastern part of Queensland that the definition of love changed because I felt God's love for me in a tangible way.  Ever since then my cynicism has been dying down and I've started to embrace that if I'm worthy enough for our Savior to love me, then maybe I can here on earth too.

Finding love is lot like ice cream.  If I want ice cream I can have it in five seconds.  All I need to do is run to the freezer or Turkey Hill and I can get the craving satisfied.  I could also gather milk, cream, sugar, rock salt and an ice cream maker and make it from scratch.  This would take a lot longer and a definitely more preparation and intention.  However, the ending result would taste so much better because fresh, homemade ice cream is way better then anything you can buy at the store.

I learned that finding love is like ice cream because if I want to go on a date, I can.  I doesn't take much work and I could go on one tonight if I wanted to (this would require me to download Tinder again, which I don't plan on).  It would probably be fun.  I might get a free meal and laugh away any stress the day brought.  I also could be using this time of singleness to prepare my heart and life for the real person God has for me.  This requires work, time and doesn't seem like as much fun as the first option.  However when that time comes I'll be ready with a whole heart because of the time I spent in the Word, in meaningful relationships with friends, family and just getting to know myself.  And just like homemade ice cream,  the quality of love will be all the richer.

This isn't to say I don't believe in going out on dates, having fun and meeting people for the first time. However, if we serial date as a way to cope with the loneliness being single brings, we will never fully know ourselves and when love finally does come.  And although doing the right actions to prepare for it take time, intention and preparation; the ending result will be so much more rewarding.

So please enjoy the whether. Take time with the Lord and yourself, because you're pretty awesome.  And by all means, eat ice cream!

Benzoyl Peroxide

Every evening I go to the bathroom to take off my make-up , wash my face and begin my skin care regimen.  I love and hate this time.  I love it because it's a sign that the day is over, bed is calling, and I can start fresh tomorrow.  I hate it because behind the layer of foundation reveals my issue that I try to hide.  See, the  Loreal W4 neutral tone  acts as a barrier between whats really going on with my face and the rest of the world.  When I wash my face at night and when I wake up in the morning I am daily confronted with the fact that my skin is not perfect.  My acne never ceases to become more and more aggressive despite my attempts to fight it.  

When my make-up is off I feel ugly and exposed.  I feel like less of a person.  I feel more transparent and that I even have less to offer.  Even talking to the girls in my house sans makeup,  I will keep my face down and try and keep the conversation short to prevent them from having to see the monstrosity that is the acne on my face.  I can feel their eyes gaze down as well. I'm not sure if it's because they sense how I feel, know the truth, or are trying to be considerate.

It all started four years ago right before I started working at the hospital.  It honestly didn't bother me for a long time. I thought it would eventually go away with careful face washing and buying the right stuff.  Months turned into years.  Dollars turned into a lot of dollars.  Despite my efforts the acne wasn't getting better, but getting worse.  It didn't help that I was in nursing school and working over twenty hours a week in a high stress job.  Over a year ago I went to my family doctor and went on doxycycline and then ampicillin; both of which had very little effect.  Right before I was about to graduate it was at its worst.  I never saw a dermatologist, but I was never closer to calling then I was at that time.  

Right after school was over, slowly the acne started to get better! It took a long time to notice, but soon I would think "this nightly face wash thing seems like less of a battle each night."  Coincidently this fell around Lent which I decided to give up desserts.  I had no idea what this would do for my skin.  As each day passed I would say "no" to ice cream and M&Ms; I noticed the acne wasn't only not coming back, but going away.  Although I was floored this was actually working, it was hard to admit that this was probably diet/ stress induced.  Now four years later my skin condition is probably the best it has been.  Believe me, the marks and the scars are still there staring me in the face each morning.  Only now it's more of a whisper than a shout. 

Last night as a washed my face the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy started creeping in.  The feelings weren't anything new.  Instead of agreeing with them or letting my thoughts indulge in feeling less than, I decided to think about why I was feeling this way.  I was still the same person I was twenty seconds ago with make-up on.  Nothing changed about me in character between when I had foundation on and when I didn't.  The only thing that changed was that my mask was gone.  The problem that I have dealt with for so long was staring at me again.  Slightly better then what it was months ago, but still there.  

I got to thinking about life and how we all wear masks to cover up things in our life that we don't want the world to see.  It may not be in the form of  Loreal foundation; but it could be words, clothes, work, or pretending to be someone we aren't.  We even wear masks with ourselves by self medicating with overworking, overspending, overeating, under eating, buying stuff, making stuff or doing stuff.  We're scared to be confronted with what issues are really going on with ourselves and even more scared for others to know what they are.  

I know the Lord knows exactly what I look like with out make-up.  He loves me just as much as when I'm fresh out of bed in sheep PJ's and messy hair as he does when I'm ready to walk out the door.  Why should I feel so insecure when I have a heavenly Father that loves me so much?  And this is way beyond physical.  Yes, the Lord knows us so well.  He made us.  1 Samuel 16:7 "God sees each of us much differently then we see ourselves.  Man looks at outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."  I believe God wants us to come to him and be real and authentic with our issues.  He sees them already, so the only people we are lying to are ourselves.  There are so many good Psalms about David pouring his heart out to God and God sustaining and uplifting him through hard times.  I myself and working on this true authenticity.  It can be hard and a bit daunting, but with the Holy Spirit as our helper and a loving heavenly Father, there is no mountain that is too high and no issue they can't handle.  

Of course there are always dermatologists and professional counselors.  I think they are wonderful resources and I could probably benefit from both.  Until then and right now I'm doing pretty well and I'm excited to see what being more authentic with the Lord will bring in my own life.  I'm also excited and anticipate great things in yours as well.  

Stay connected and keep looking up!   

That time I joined Tinder

A few weeks ago I did what any girl looking for a relationship full of meaning and substance would do:  I joined Tinder.  Yes, I joined Tinder.  It took 3 seconds to download the app and three hours the night before pacing my room, going for a contemplative run and google searching "should a Christian girl join Tinder?"

 Commonly known as a superficial dating app purely judging a person based on appearance, age and job description (but don't we do that all the time already?).  It is also known as a way to meet up and get done some business without actually getting to know the person. Based on your extensive knowledge of the three facts you know about him or her, you and your semi shallow ambitions are fully equipped to know if this is dating material.   Simply swipe left if it's a no and swipe right if it's a yes. If both people swipe right or hit "like", you both will virtually come together and tinder announces "It's a match!"  Then the both of you have the opportunity to chat.  About what?  "Hey, you're cute, what do you do?" Awkward start to a conversation when you only know physical appearance, age, institution of study, and possibly a  rough idea of occupation. I've got some great material and I could make a whole blog post dedicated to the Tinder pick lines I've gotten.  My personal favorite: "Hey, so let's cut the small talk and start with what's really important.  What's your favorite Spice Girls song?"

Despite my  hesitation at first, I was hearing stories of Tinder success and that there are some pretty cool guys out in Tinder.  Rewind a few weeks ago  where I was getting frustrated with my nonexistent dating life.  I was starting to feel like a hamster on this wheel of working, sleeping, back to work with maybe a bike ride or run thrown in.  It wasn't a bad wheel to be on, and I was pretty happy to be on it. It was just hard because there are only twenty four hours in a day and nothing seemed to happening as far as dating was going. I heard somewhere if you want change in your life YOU have to be the one to take some initiative and make it happen.  No one prays that they will get a college degree without applying to school, studying and working hard.  It takes both prayer and work on the person's part to make it.  I could also pray every night I would know how to play the violin, but wouldn't that be foolish  if I never took lessons?   I also heard and believe that the things in your heart that you want to see happen God cares about so much.  In his perfect timing and knowing the desires of your heart, he will give us our desires.  (Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time.  Also, he has put eternity in man's heart, yet so that he can not find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."  Luke 11:11-13  "What father among you, if a his son asks for a fish will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg will he give him a scorpion?  If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!") There was some tension in my heart between taking initiative for things I want to see happen and knowing God's got my back and cares more about my love life than I do.  Even after prayer and waiting on the Lord, I didn't feel led one way or another.  I believe God gives us free will about some things as well and sensed this was one those things.  I mean, it's probably the only time in my life I can do something like this anyway.  This was my thought process as I nervously and excitedly hit "download". 

So with a few weeks of Tinder experience under my belt, I would say I'm no longer a newbie.  It is honestly kind of fun.  After a while it's like eating ice cream for dinner every night.  Awesome at first, then gets a little mundane until eventually the awe factor wears off. You get sick of it at some point and want the salad you never thought you'd ask for.   

I did go on an awesome Tinder date.  Great Christian guy and character.  It was both our first time doing any type of online dating.  Nothing really happened from it, but it was fun to meet someone new and just go on a date! I think we can learn a lot from these experiences but it takes some wisdom at the same time.  

Stay tuned for more adventures in my still non existent, but slightly more interesting dating world.