Benzoyl Peroxide

Every evening I go to the bathroom to take off my make-up , wash my face and begin my skin care regimen.  I love and hate this time.  I love it because it's a sign that the day is over, bed is calling, and I can start fresh tomorrow.  I hate it because behind the layer of foundation reveals my issue that I try to hide.  See, the  Loreal W4 neutral tone  acts as a barrier between whats really going on with my face and the rest of the world.  When I wash my face at night and when I wake up in the morning I am daily confronted with the fact that my skin is not perfect.  My acne never ceases to become more and more aggressive despite my attempts to fight it.  

When my make-up is off I feel ugly and exposed.  I feel like less of a person.  I feel more transparent and that I even have less to offer.  Even talking to the girls in my house sans makeup,  I will keep my face down and try and keep the conversation short to prevent them from having to see the monstrosity that is the acne on my face.  I can feel their eyes gaze down as well. I'm not sure if it's because they sense how I feel, know the truth, or are trying to be considerate.

It all started four years ago right before I started working at the hospital.  It honestly didn't bother me for a long time. I thought it would eventually go away with careful face washing and buying the right stuff.  Months turned into years.  Dollars turned into a lot of dollars.  Despite my efforts the acne wasn't getting better, but getting worse.  It didn't help that I was in nursing school and working over twenty hours a week in a high stress job.  Over a year ago I went to my family doctor and went on doxycycline and then ampicillin; both of which had very little effect.  Right before I was about to graduate it was at its worst.  I never saw a dermatologist, but I was never closer to calling then I was at that time.  

Right after school was over, slowly the acne started to get better! It took a long time to notice, but soon I would think "this nightly face wash thing seems like less of a battle each night."  Coincidently this fell around Lent which I decided to give up desserts.  I had no idea what this would do for my skin.  As each day passed I would say "no" to ice cream and M&Ms; I noticed the acne wasn't only not coming back, but going away.  Although I was floored this was actually working, it was hard to admit that this was probably diet/ stress induced.  Now four years later my skin condition is probably the best it has been.  Believe me, the marks and the scars are still there staring me in the face each morning.  Only now it's more of a whisper than a shout. 

Last night as a washed my face the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy started creeping in.  The feelings weren't anything new.  Instead of agreeing with them or letting my thoughts indulge in feeling less than, I decided to think about why I was feeling this way.  I was still the same person I was twenty seconds ago with make-up on.  Nothing changed about me in character between when I had foundation on and when I didn't.  The only thing that changed was that my mask was gone.  The problem that I have dealt with for so long was staring at me again.  Slightly better then what it was months ago, but still there.  

I got to thinking about life and how we all wear masks to cover up things in our life that we don't want the world to see.  It may not be in the form of  Loreal foundation; but it could be words, clothes, work, or pretending to be someone we aren't.  We even wear masks with ourselves by self medicating with overworking, overspending, overeating, under eating, buying stuff, making stuff or doing stuff.  We're scared to be confronted with what issues are really going on with ourselves and even more scared for others to know what they are.  

I know the Lord knows exactly what I look like with out make-up.  He loves me just as much as when I'm fresh out of bed in sheep PJ's and messy hair as he does when I'm ready to walk out the door.  Why should I feel so insecure when I have a heavenly Father that loves me so much?  And this is way beyond physical.  Yes, the Lord knows us so well.  He made us.  1 Samuel 16:7 "God sees each of us much differently then we see ourselves.  Man looks at outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."  I believe God wants us to come to him and be real and authentic with our issues.  He sees them already, so the only people we are lying to are ourselves.  There are so many good Psalms about David pouring his heart out to God and God sustaining and uplifting him through hard times.  I myself and working on this true authenticity.  It can be hard and a bit daunting, but with the Holy Spirit as our helper and a loving heavenly Father, there is no mountain that is too high and no issue they can't handle.  

Of course there are always dermatologists and professional counselors.  I think they are wonderful resources and I could probably benefit from both.  Until then and right now I'm doing pretty well and I'm excited to see what being more authentic with the Lord will bring in my own life.  I'm also excited and anticipate great things in yours as well.  

Stay connected and keep looking up!